I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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