She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
