lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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