every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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