Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
