So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
