I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can you repeat that, but with context?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
