I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
