So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
