I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
