All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize