dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
