you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
