Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
