So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
