Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
