I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
