why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Im just a social blackout drinker.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
