When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
3pm strippers are depressing
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
