yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
