The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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