dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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