i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
