dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My penis needs a shock collar
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
