I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
