he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
