Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
