why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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