i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
