garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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