please come you make the beer taste better
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize