DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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