So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Small penises have feelings too.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
