Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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