I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
