Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
