Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
