She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
