Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
