if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
