i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
