ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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