OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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