I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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