I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
