I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
