the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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