Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
