I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
