I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
no, he came in my armpit
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
