I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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