My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
