look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
