Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
