So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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