Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
