and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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