JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
