you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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