No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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