Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
